Coaching Articles/Newsletters

Every 6 - 8 weeks I email out an article focused on professional and/or personal development. I don't think of them as 'coaching' because they aren't specific to you as an individual but the feedback is that people find them interesting/useful.

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Exploring the Edge - No. 1 : Going Beyond the Edge
Edges are the place where things change, areas of transition, places where you cross the line - whether you run, walkl, jump or even dance across it. Are there any 'edges' that you are wanting to cross?

Exploring the Edge - No. 2 : Teeth, Meet Edge. Edge, Meet Teeth.
Dealing with the unexpected and unwanted. Taking control of the meaning you give to events, and the way you deal with them, even when you can't control the events themselves. Dealing with the 'internal saboteur' (Gremlin).

Exploring the Edge - No. 3 : Getting off Your Ass!
When you 'get off your ass', are you being efficient or effective (or preferably both?).

Exploring the Edge - No. 4 : Leap Before You Look?
The advice to "Look before you leap" is not always the best advice.
Are your risk-taking 'muscles' flabby? What is your usual relationship to risk-taking?

Exploring the Edge - No. 5 : …… Or Just 'On Edge'?
Taking control of your life and your mind and your body in order to decrease stress and increase well-being. Breathing.

Exploring the Edge - No. 6 : A Breath at a Time
Introduction to 'Mindfulness of Breathing' meditation technique.

Exploring the Edge - No. 7 : Following Your Bliss
Does your work fulfil, energise and excite you. Does it honour your deeply-held values and allow you to be your 'real self'? Identifying your values.

Exploring the Edge - No. 8 : The Intuitive Leap
What is Intuition? And how can you access it?

Exploring the Edge - No. 9 : Between One Year and the Next
A New Year Ritual instead of New Year resolutions?

Exploring the Edge - No. 10 : A Simple (?) Question
A question based on a Mary Oliver poem :
What do you plan to do with your "one wild and precious life"?

Exploring the Edge - No. 11 & 12 : It Depends How You Look At It
A 7 step process for exploring different ways of looking at an issue so that you don't get 'stuck' in a single perspective.

Exploring the Edge - No. 13 : It's the Little Things that Count
What really makes you happy as opposed to what you believe will make you happy.

Exploring the Edge - No. 14 : Work/Life Balance
The symptoms of work/life imbalance. How to improve the situation. Creating the motivation to change.

Exploring the Edge No. 15 : "You Got to Have a Dream"
Turning good intentions and/or lack of clarity and/or dreams into real results.
The power of intention. Creating the vision.

Exploring the Edge No. 16 : Divers & Dabblers
Which are you? Do you like to be a 'specialist' who 'dives deep' or are there just so many things you're interested in you don't know how to fit them all in?

Exploring the Edge No. 17 : 'Til Death Do Us Part?
Relationships. The 'myths'. The Seven Principles of successful relationships. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

Exploring the Edge No. 18 : Putting Things Off
How to make sure those Important but Not Urgent activites don't always keep slipping down the To Do list.

Exploring the Edge No. 19 : Being Kind to Yourself
If 'getting more motivated' means beating yourself up harder, then maybe you need to find what will 'pull' you rather than assuming you need your Gremlin to 'push' you.

Exploring the Edge No. 20: Being Free
What would it mean to "Follow everything except orders and habits".

Exploring the Edge No. 21: How Easily Do You Give Up?
"Brick walls are there for a reason. They let us prove how badly we want things" Randy Pausch

Exploring the Edge No. 22: What is Security
"Security is not having things but handling things"

Exploring the Edge - No. 1 :. Going Beyond the Edge

This week I've been thinking about a poem which is often attributed to Appollinaire but was actually written by Christopher Logue in honour of Appollinaire.

Come to the edge.
We might fall.
Come to the edge.
It's too high!
Come to the edge.
And they came, and we pushed,
And they flew.

Sometimes I've been pushed, sometimes I've jumped - but every time I flew. If I hadn't I wouldn't have survived to write this email!

What are you on the edge of at the moment?
Are you standing on the beach, looking out across the ocean and longing to sail over the horizon to new and exciting lands?
Are you at the top of a high cliff, wanting to jump across to the other side, to grab an opportunity - but scared of falling, of failing, of getting it wrong?
Or are you on the edge of your seat? Excited and energised, ready to go, wondering what's about to happen?
Maybe you're just 'on edge'? Tense, tired, out of balance, grinding your teeth and kicking the cat.

Edges are the place where things change, areas of transition, places where you cross the line - whether you swim, sail, jump or even dance across it.

Try this :
1. Think of a line you want to cross, a transition you want to make, some place new you want to go that represents new territory.
2. Create a 'line' on the floor, with string or a ruler or a ribbon - whatever is at hand.
3. Place something (portable) on the far side of the line that represents the new territory.
4. Stand facing the line with the new territory on the other side. Take a deep breath.
5. Cross it - walk, crawl, run, jump, dance, cartwheel. Be silent, shout, sing. Whatever feels right for you. But GO!
6. You've crossed. Well done! Pick up the 'something' you placed on the other side.
7. Experience what it is like being in that new territory. Savour it. Explore it.
8. Look back at where you came from. Where do you want to be?
9. If you choose the new territory, plan the next step for moving into it for real.
10. If you choose to stay where you are for the time being, that's fine too. What's important is that you're choosing it.
11. Either way, use the 'something portable' to remind you of the new territory.

If you do this exercise and would like to feed back to me what came out of it for you, I'd love to hear from you. Top

Exploring the Edge - No. 2 : Teeth, meet Edge. Edge, meet Teeth.

I'm writing this sitting in a café in a little town in the Highlands of Scotland - next door to my dentist who, in 30 minutes time, will remove my three bottom front teeth and replace them, plus two that previously gave up the struggle to stay attached to my jaw, with - Oh my God! - a denture!

This is a different type of edge from those explored in the previous newsletter.
This one I didn't choose.

Things happen.
Life gives (an unexpected bouquet of flowers from a client, delivered by the local bus) and life takes away (my teeth!).

Much of this we have little control over (though, its true, I could have flossed more. This week's extra coaching tip : Floss more).

What we do have control over is the meaning we give to events and the way we deal with them.

The event : Having some teeth out which are replaced with a denture.

The meaning? False teeth mean I'm old, right? (Hazy memories of my grandmother keeping them in a glass of water by the bedside). Being old is scary. Something has fundamentally changed. It's all downhill from here on etcetera etcetera etcetera.

This is what my 'Gremlin' tells me. (Gremlin : An ugly little creature, lives in my head, has some quite simple and some extremely sophisticated strategies for keeping me down and keeping me scared). Listening to your Gremlin, provided you identify it as your Gremlin, can be a useful way of identifying what unhelpful, not to mention irrational and downright untrue, beliefs are running you and your life. Whereas acting upon what your Gremlin says is rarely useful.

So - when you find your first grey hair, notice a wrinkle, are told you need reading specs or start feeling creaky in the mornings - what will, or did, your Gremlin say?

Write these communications down.

This theme - event vs meaning attributed - is not new. In 60-110 AD, Epictetus stated that "Men are disturbed, not by things, but by their view of things". (This probably applied to women too but no-one took too much notice of them back in 60-110 AD).

To summarise :
A : Something happens
B : We interpret what it means
C : We experience feelings based on our interpretation.

If you want to change C, and you can't change A, then change B. You don't even have to make it complicated by worrying about which interpretation is actually true. Focus on what is useful. Language is powerful. Words affect our emotions.

My new B?
"I am getting a small denture. As a result my teeth will look better and I won't be waiting for them to fall out every time I bite something. I will be the same age after the denture as before the denture. Dentures are just dentures. They don't 'mean' anything."

You get the idea.

You've identified the Gremlin's 'script'.
Now write your own. The one that would lead to positive rather than negative emotions.

Finally, for those of you that like models, research, references etc.
Books :
'Taming the Gremlin' by Rick Carson. Quill 2003
'What is Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy' by Windy(?!) Dryden, Jack Gordon & Michael Neenan. Gale Centre Publications 1997 Top

Exploring the Edge - No. 3 : Getting off Your Ass

Recently, I was helping a client to create a 'Life Purpose' statement. This reminded me of one I developed when training as a coach : "I am the wild gypsy dancer that gets you off your ass".

(A 58 year old 'wild gypsy dancer' with grey hair and a denture? You bet! She's alive and well in there.)

And what do I mean by "get you off your ass"? Many of you probably feel you're so busy that you never get a chance to be on it - getting off isn't the issue. But when you get up do you get up to 'dance' with life? Or are you more like a hamster in a wheel - running very fast - but not lifting up your head for long enough to check where you're going?

Some definitions :.
Efficient - doing things right
Effective - doing the right thing

I'd like to invite you to check whether, when you 'get off your ass', you are being efficient or effective (or preferably both?).

So this week's 'action' suggestion is : Stop.
Find a place at home or in the garden or go for walk - or even stop the car somewhere on your way home from work - and take some quiet, uninterrupted time to ask yourself "What do I really want from my life?" (and versions of this such as "What would fulfil me? What would make me happy? What would bring me fully alive?").
How many minutes a day does this question deserve? Decide - and commit.

You may enjoy doing this very much. You may find it quite difficult. Many years ago I was working with managers who had been made redundant from Westland Helicopters in Weston-super-Mare. One element of the programme was a 1-1 session. It was fed back to me that, following the session, many people were saying that I gave them a really hard time. This perturbed me! However, investigation revealed that the 'hard time' consisted of me saying "What do you want to do?".

Where does your mind go when you ask yourself that question? Do you have the courage to dream? The determination to turn a dream into reality? Or does the Gremlin (see newsletter 2) come up with all the reasons why not?

I was once on a Buddhist meditation retreat where every day ended with the following chant :
"Let me respectfully remind you
That life and death are of supreme importance
Time swiftly passes
And opportunity is lost
Let us awaken. Awaken!
Do not squander your life".

This could be less 'respectfully' restated as "Hey! Wake up! Life is short. Get off your ass - now!". Anyone want to dance? Top

Exploring the Edge - No. 4 : Leap Before You Look?

The last three lines of the Christopher Logue poem in Issue 1 were :
Come to the edge.
And they came, and we pushed,
And they flew.

With apologies to CL, I'm going to change 'we pushed' to 'they jumped' - because that implies making a choice.

I'm also going to suggest that the advice to "Look before you leap" is not always the best advice.

Last week I was given the opportunity to run a workshop at two conferences on 'Managing Diversity in the Public Sector'. "Yes please" I immediately responded (knowing that there were few workshops and many possible providers). "I'll do something on 'Bridging the Gap Between Policy & Practice'.

Then, when my offer had been accepted, I asked for more information.
Then, when I got it (up to 50 participants, 45 - 60 minutes long, interactive), I gulped (and started flapping my wings)!

Now, that wasn't the biggest risk I've ever taken. But in the same way that the muscles of our body go flabby if not used, our risk-taking 'muscles' can also go flabby if they don't get regular exercise.

Try this.
Reflect upon your life and make a list of :
1. Occasions when you could have taken a risk - and you did. What were the positive consequences of taking the risk?
What were the negative ones?
2. Occasions when you could have taken a risk - and you didn't. What were the positive consequences of not taking the risk? What were the negative ones?

How do you know?

In reality, all we can ever know is whether the outcomes appear to be positive or negative
so far.

I'm not suggesting that taking a risk is always the right thing to do.
But I am asking you to look at your usual relationship to risk-taking.

A research project asked college-students to make hypothetical decisions involving a risky option and a safe one. Students who were 'risk averse' also showed high levels of anxiety and tended to focus on the likelihood of bad outcomes. Anxiety and expecting the worse would be perceived as reasons for avoiding risk. However, not taking risks did not reduce their anxiety or their general negative expectations.

What process do you go through when deciding whether to take a risk or not?
Do you try to predict all the possible outcomes?
Do you imagine as many positive outcomes as negative ones?

Look back at your list of risks that you did and didn't take.
How closely did the actual outcomes, both positive and negative, match your imagined ones?

The decision-making process itself - especially where there is a perception of risk - can use up enormous amounts of energy and create a lot of stress, sleepless nights and anxiety.

Once you decide to act, accepting that the outcomes are always uncertain, all that energy is then available for 'flying' - for making whatever decision you made work.
And at the very worst - whatever happens - you will learn something.

Something you've been putting off? How about you just do it? Top

Exploring the Edge - No. 5 : …… Or Just 'On edge'?

A few years ago, while still living in Somerset, I set off to Bradford-on-Avon to find the House of Inner Tranquillity - a small Buddhist community and retreat centre. "It's up a driveway, off such-and-such Hill" I'd been told. I found a likely looking drive, drove up, no Buddhist Centre, no room to turn around - and started reversing back. A few moments later, I found myself in the following situation : Car, and me, at a 45 degree angle (lenghtwise) to the drive with only the two driver-side wheels on the ground. Back passenger-side wheel spinning in space. I had reversed onto a wall which started at ground level and got higher as the drive sloped down more steeply. It's probably impossible to imagine. In fact, even being there and seeing it it looked impossible.

So I didn't get to the House of Inner Tranquillity that day - but I did stay 'tranquil' for the two hours it took to get mobile again.

That situation, like many life situations - from ill health to money worries to having to talk to BT about just about anything - was potentially stressful. How I perceived, interpreted and responded to the situation determined whether it was actually stressful.
Stress. Everybody's talking about it. Research carried out by the International Stress Management Association UK indicates that more than half the UK workforce is suffering from stress and one in four takes time off as a result.

Here are some of the symptoms of stress :
Physical (stress can be a factor if not the sole cause): Headaches/migraine; aching muscles/tension/backache; high blood pressure; heart problems/circulatory problems; diabetes; asthma; indigestion/ulcers/colitis; skin rashes/skin disorders
Mental : Decreased attention span & concentration; easily distracted; memory deteriorates; more mistakes made; decreased motivation
Emotional : Reduced ability to feel good & to switch off worries and anxieties;
increase in anxiety, sensitivity, defensiveness and hostility; increase in emotional outbursts; depression; sense of powerlessness; decrease in confidence and self-esteem
Behavioural : Interests and enthusiasms decrease; drug abuse increases - alcohol, caffeine, nicotine, sugar, prescribed or illegal drugs; sleep patterns disrupted; comfort eating

That's the bad news.
The good news is that there are a whole range of things you can do to take control of your life and your mind and your body in order to decrease stress and increase well-being and I'll be encouraging you to explore and experiment with them in the next few newsletters.

Let's start with something really simple. Breathing. You're doing it anyway - you might as well do it well, which means breathing right down into the abdomen rather than just shallow breathing into the top of the lungs.( Put a hand on your abdomen and, as you inhale deeply, expand your stomach as though it were being filled by a balloon. Many people do the opposite and pull their stomach in as they breath in). Deep breathing just on its own, is a very simple yet very effective method of stress reduction - and it's also a core component of many other relaxation techniques.
As you do the following exercise, pause comfortably at the end of each out breath until you feel ready to take the next deep breath. You can achieve even greater relaxation if you close your eyes during deep breathing and let your mind focus on a restful scene or a word like "calm" or anything else which gives you a feeling of mental quiet.

Exercise :
1. Breathe in deeply, letting your stomach expand until your lungs are filled.
2. Now, pause for a moment and then breath out until you have emptied your lungs. Pause for a moment.
3. Now take another deep breath in, filling your lungs from the bottom.
4. Hold a moment… let the air flow out, focusing your mind on restful thoughts.
5. Keeping the pace regular, again breathe in more deeply… hold a moment… and now let the air out, feeling more and more relaxed.
6. Take another breath in… hold for a moment… now gently breathe out, letting the tension escape from your body.
7. Once more, breathe in… pause a moment… now exhale, feeling deep relaxation.

Do this whenever you feel yourself getting wound up or tense. Top

Exploring the Edge - No. 6 : A Breath at a Time

Question 1 : Did you try the deep breathing?
Question 2 : If so, did it help? How did it help? What difference did it make?
Question 3 : If not, was it because you aren't stressed?
Question 4 : If not, and you are stressed, why didn't you try it?

Feeling stressed yet by being bombarded with questions? (Oops, sorry, that's
another one). But feeling bombarded, overloaded, pulled in many directions & finding it hard to keep your head above the water are both causes and symptoms of stress.

In the previous newsletter I outlined a simple breathing exercise that can be used in 'emergencies'. This time I'd like to continue with the 'breath' theme and talk about what, in my experience, is one of the most powerful and effective methods of protecting ourselves from stress and of increasing well-being - Insight Meditation.

I've heard many assumptions/beliefs expressed about meditation
eg
- It' something to do with religion
- It means being able to stop thinking
- It's only 'working' if you feel peaceful and relaxed while doing it
- It makes you 'spaced out' so that you don't function effectively in the world
anymore
- It's about getting 'enlightened' (whatever that means)

I've just found a web page that says more about the various 'myths' of meditation that you might enjoy looking at :
http://www.healingwithawareness.com/articles/meditation_myths.htm

Insight Meditation comes from the Buddhist tradition. Buddhists have been meditating for over 2000 years and Buddhists teach meditation well. But you don't have to be a Buddhist and you don't have to 'believe' anything.

The first stage in learning Insight Meditation is to practice Mindfulness of Breathing which helps us to be in control of our mind, instead of our mind controlling us. It helps to free us from the 'knee jerk' reactivity which arises out of fear, anger, confusion and stress and to develop clarity, insight, awareness and peace of mind.

Definitely a powerful stress management approach.
An analogy that is often used to describe how we are not in control of our mind is that of trying to train a puppy. You take it out to the nearest park or open space, say '"sit", and for a few moments it does - then an interesting sight or smell catches its attention and off it hurtles. You call it back, it comes, sits for a few moments - then shoots off again in another direction.

Try this :
Sit comfortably and close your eyes.
Breathe in and out gently and naturally.
Gently, without 'trying' or 'concentrating', bring your attention to your breath.
Just notice the flow of breath as it enters and leaves your body.

At some point you will almost certainly notice that your mind has drifted (the puppy has run off!).
As soon as you notice this gently bring your attention back to the breath.
At some point you will etc etc

You have just done a short Mindfulness of Breathing meditation.

That's it. It's that simple. Nothing esoteric. No incense, statues or lotus position required.

NB The whole process is meditation. Not just when you were focusing on the breath. People who meditate talk about their 'meditation practice'. You are 'practicing' training the mind not to rush off all over the place out of your control. The 'practice' is noticing that your mind has taken off somewhere and bringing it back.

Request
One of the things coaches do is encourage their clients to take action - and one way they do this is to make Requests.

Here's a Request.
For just five days (maybe Monday to Friday) get up 15 minutes earlier than usual.
Find somewhere where you can sit without being interrupted (an upright chair is fine).
o Sit with an erect but relaxed posture & close your eyes.
o Take several deep breaths to help you be aware of the sensation of breathing then allow your breath to flow in its normal, ever changing manner.
o Choose to pay attention to your breath either at the tip/rims of your nostrils or in your chest or abdomen, wherever the sensations are the clearest. Once you make a choice, stick with it throughout the period of meditation.
o Continue to keep your awareness focused on the sensations of the breath flowing in and flowing out. If watching the breath at the tip of your nose, notice the sensations in this area of your body as you inhale and as you exhale. If watching the breath at your chest or abdomen, notice the rising and falling or in and out movements.
o Just try to follow one in-breath as clearly as you can, and then one out-breath. Don't get overly ambitious and expect yourself to follow more than one breath. Expecting to be mindful for more than one breath sets you up for discouragement. Expecting to follow one breath helps train you to stay present with each moment of your experience.
o When your attention wanders away from the breath and you notice that, appreciate that moment of noticing, of waking up and being mindful. Then gently return your attention to the breath and continue to follow it.

If at the end of the 5 days you feel you would like to explore this further, here are some resources to help you.

Books
I claim nothing for these books other than that they are ones I have enjoyed/found useful. They all have a Buddhist orientation and although I am not 'a Buddhist' I have found much of the philosophy and the 'science of how the mind works' extremely useful.
1) A Path With Heart by Jack Kornfield. "A Guide Through the Perils & Promises of Spiritual Life". One of my favourite books.
2) The Feeling Buddha by David Brazier. "A Buddhist Psychology of Character, Adversity & Passion"
3) This Side of Nirvana by Sara Jenkins. "Memoirs of a Spiritually Challenged Buddhist"
4) Coming to our Senses : Healing Ourselves & the World with Mindfulness Top

Exploring the Edge - No. 7 : Following Your Bliss

Continuing with the stress/well-being theme, in this issue I'm going to talk about a major cause of stress in many people's lives - being in the wrong career (and by 'career' I mean whatever work you do to earn your living, whether you are a salaried employee or self-employed, running a small business or an artist or crafts person).

I'm often asked to work with individuals and groups on 'work/life balance'. This phrase seems to imply that there is 'life' and there is 'work''. Life is one thing, work is another? Work is not part of life? Life' is what you do in the time when you don't 'have to' work? Unfortunately, for many people this is true. In a recent UK survey, 57% of respondents said that, given their time again, they would choose a different career. 'Given your time again'? You will never be given your time again. This is it!

So, why do people stay in work which, at best, doesn't fulfil, energise and excite them; at worst, makes them unhappy, stressed and even ill? Before reading further, just jot down any reasons that might cause you to feel that you couldn't change direction - even if you'd like to.

Here are some of the reasons I've heard people give :
Fear of change. Unwillingness to step out of your 'comfort zone'; Fear of failure ; Fear of success (things would change, more responsibility, who would a 'successful you' be?); Financial obligations ; Impact on pension; Lack of confidence in self;
Fear of making the 'wrong' decision. Don't want to 'waste' the investment you've made in your existing career/skills/qualifications; Don't want to disappoint other people's expectations
and
You know what you don't want but you don't know what you do want.

That's an awful lot of potential reasons not to go looking for your ideal job/career/business. So, there must be some other, even more compelling reasons, why some people do commit to creating their ideal career. Before reading on, jot down what they might be for you.

Research shows that those who are most satisfied and motivated by their work earn their living in a way that reflects their real passions, that draws on their strengths and uses their favourite skills, that energises rather than drains them.

And perhaps most importantly of all, work which allow them to honour their deeply-held values and to be their 'real self'.

So if you know you want to do something different but you're not sure what, a good starting point is to attempt to identify your most important and deeply held Values. In coaching, the concept of 'values' is not used to mean your moral standards or principles (for example, 'honesty' ), although these may be included within them. Instead, they are seen as those qualities that 'define' who you really are. When you are honouring your values in the way you live and work, you experience yourself as living in integrity with yourself and are at peace. When you are not, you may well feel uneasy and unfulfilled. Yet values are not always easy to identify. Some of what we think of as our values may actually be 'shoulds' or have been given to us by other people - parents, teachers, religion etc.

Here's one activity that can help you to identify your values. Think of different times in your life when things were 'flowing', you were on a roll, you felt alive and energised. It may have lasted for weeks or just minutes. Find at least 5 then choose one and write down your answers to the following questions :
What was important about what was happening?
What engaged your passion and aliveness?
What contributed to that experience of 'flow'?
What was interesting about that experience/situation?
What needs of yours were being met?
Who were you being in that experience/situation?

Then repeat the activity for some of the other experiences.
What Values can you see operating in what you have written?
Sometimes using a 'string' of words, rather than just one, can help you get even clearer about what this value means for you. (The same words often have different meanings for different people).

For example, at the moment I feel that my top 4 values are :
Being real (not playing games/not going along with/speaking out/not pretending/taking risks)
"It's just the gypsy in my soul" (exploring/searching/journeying/learning/being)
Time (for 'being'/unstructured/no deadlines/being in the moment/savouring)
Making a difference/supporting people to make choices not based on fear/helping people to find their 'vocation'

Decide what your top four values are and score each in terms of the extent to which it is being honoured in your current work (10 - totally, 0 - not at all).
35 - 40 Sounds like you really love your work. I'm surprised you read this far!
21 - 34 Time to think about a change? To have the courage to dream?
20 or less Well done for managing to get out of bed in the morning! (Maybe
you don't?)

To end, here are three of my favourite quotes relating to 'work' :
"Choose a job you love and you'll never have to work a day in your life". Confucius
ie work can be play!

"(Vocation is) the place where your deep gladness meets the world's deep need"
quoted in "Let Your Life Speak" by Parker J. Palmer

And my favourite quote of all : "Follow your bliss". Joseph Campbell
This has become a very famous 'catch phrase'. The full quote is
"If you follow your bliss, you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while, waiting for you, and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. Wherever you are -- if you are following your bliss, you are enjoying that refreshment, that life within you, all the time". Top

Exploring the Edge - No. 8 : The Intuitive Leap

I've just returned from a 2 day conference called The Rural Entrepreneur. Where I live and work is definitely rural - and by the definition of an entrepreneur as "someone who is willing to assume the responsibility, risk and rewards of starting and operating a business" I suppose I am also an entrepreneur. But my main reason for going was that, much as I love being surrounded by sheep and birds and trees and mountains and rivers and total peace, I thought it would be fun to get a shot of the sort of high voltage energy that entrepreneurs radiate (on good days!). And it was.

I particularly wanted to tell you about one small business called Information PLUS set up a few years ago by Les Cowan, an ex social worker who worked with children and young people. Les develops what he calls 'Social Learning Software'; multimedia software products mainly for use with young people and dealing with issues such as drug taking, offending behaviour, coming to terms with past events, building healthy relationships, adoption and contraception. It's used by teachers, social workers, psychologists, careers advisors, youth justice workers, foster carers, health promotion advisors, parents and carers - and I know that many of the readers of Exploring the Edge fall into at least one of those categories. So - I'd like to encourage you to go and have a look at Les's website - http://www.information-plus.co.uk/
Am I on commission? No!

What really inspired me when Les was telling me his story was how it incorporated many of the themes of these newsletters.
Values : Being a social worker is usually a values-based career decision. There's a desire to make a difference, to serve in some way.
Fulfilment : For various reasons Les was no longer finding his job fulfilling and was not prepared to stay in it under those circumstances.
'Following your bliss' : Les had values that led him into social work. And he also
loved IT.
Risk taking : Setting up a new business, with a new product, is always a risk.

But I would guess that there are many people out there with similar values and a similar love of, and skill with, IT who wouldn't have come up with this idea. The pieces of the final 'product' (in this case an idea) were there - but they needed to come together, be integrated, be synthesised, in a new way.

And that often happens via an Intuitive Leap.

What is Intuition? And how can you access it?
Intuition has been defined in many ways. For example, "…knowing for sure without knowing for certain….". Or as a hunch, a gut feeling, an instinct or an inner knowing.

Some people swear by it. Some people regards it as 'unscientific' - and yet many famous discoveries in science were the result of an intuitive leap, including Archimedes' Eureka moment and the discovery of Vitamin C (Go Google!). According to Einstein "The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honours the servant and has forgotten the gift."

There are a number of ways that you might access your intuition.
Through your feelings or emotions - "It just feels right".
Through your body - a 'gut feel' (the Japanese refer to intuition as 'stomach art'), a knot in the stomach, a sensation of cold or heaviness.
As an image. For example, sometimes when I am coaching I suddenly 'get' an image. It means nothing to me but when I run it past my client it is often creates an 'Aha' moment for them.

The more you use your intuition the more readily you will notice it. But it can be like a 'still, small voice', easily missed in all the noisy, busy mental and verbal chatter of our daily lives so you may need to actively develop your ability to notice your intuitive flashes.

Try this :
1) Find somewhere quiet and peaceful where you won't be disturbed. Use any method (for example, the breathing exercise in Exploring the Edge No. 5) to get relaxed.
2) Imagine that in front of you is a time travel machine (Dr Who's Tardis or one of your own design). You enter it and set the controls to take you 10 years into the future, where you are going to meet your Fulfilled Future Self.
3) When you arrive, you step out and see your Fulfilled Future Self walking towards you. Notice where you are, what is around you and what your first impressions of your Future Self are.
4) The two of you find somewhere comfortable and private to sit and then you ask your Future Self the following questions. The important thing is that you listen for the answers . Just see what comes and accept it. It may be a word, a thought, a feeling, an image - or a long speech!. Don't judge or evaluate it. You don't have to understand it. It doesn't have to make sense. Don't reject what first comes and 'make up' something 'better'. Here are a couple of questions you could try asking, although you can also make up your own :
1) What is the most fulfilling aspect of the life you are living now?
2) What do I most need to let go of or leave behind in order to get from where I am now to where you are?
Whatever comes to you, just sit with it for a few moments. Ask any other questions you want to ask and then return to your time machine and to the here and now.

You have just used a visualisation exercise to access your intuition (which, for the purposes of this activity, we called your Fulfilled Future Self).

Maybe you got some answers that really 'landed' for you. Maybe you didn't. Don't worry - interpretation may come later. But even if you never get a conscious understanding of those intuitive messages, you've had an 'intuition workout'.
The more you 'talk to' your intuition, the more it will talk to you.

And it doesn't always have to be something as structured as a visualisation exercise.
Just make time every now and then to stop, go inside yourself, move your awareness out of your head and into your body, and check in.
Finally, for those of you that like research. A survey among 601 executives of Fortune 1000 companies, found that 55% of them perceived that they based their decisions on facts and figures, while 45% said they rely more heavily on their intuition. Top

Exploring the Edge - No. 9 : Between One Year and the Next

Tonight is New Year's Eve which, according to DS in The Guardian's TV reviews, is "a dismal exercise in compulsory enthusiasm". Yet another Guardian writer describes it as "a gloomy moment, with the holiday ending, the winter deepening and real life beginning again amidst fear and trepidation".

Well that is, as we coaches say, "one perspective"! (Not mine. And if 'real life' makes him that miserable I think he needs to get a coach!). Although, I do have some sympathy with the 'compulsory enthusiasm' point of view if that means getting very drunk and kissing lots of strangers at midnight. But maybe that's just an age thing.

The significance of New Year is that it marks the transition from one year to the next
which would seem to be the most logical time to pause, consider the past, take stock and think about the future. My Internet research suggests that this dates back to 153 B.C. when Janus, a mythical king of early Rome, was placed at the head of the calendar. Janus had two faces, and so could look back on past events and forward to the future. Many Romans looked for forgiveness from their enemies and also exchanged gifts before the beginning of each year.

Throughout human history, transitions have been marked using Rituals. These are often linked with highly significant transitions such as birth and death. (If you think you don't 'do' ritual you may be right. On the other hand, if in the last few weeks you've been pulling crackers, hanging shiny balls on a cut tree or eating food that you don't eat at any other time of the year - you do!). One of the most common rituals we associate with New Year is that of making
New Year Resolutions.

According to some further Internet research, the top ten New Year resolutions are :
1. Lose weight
2. Stop smoking
3. Stick to a budget
4. Save or earn more money
5. Find a better job
6. Become more organized
7. Exercise more
8. Be more patient at work/with others
9. Eat better
10. Become a better person

But this particular ritual gets a pretty bad press because people rarely keep their resolutions. They are 'good intentions' - but don't really have much 'juice'. You'd have a greater chance of success if you turned these intentions into SMART objectives (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, Timed).

For example :
Intention : Exercise more.
SMART objective : I will walk for 30 minutes a day on Mondays, Wednesdays & Fridays and cycle for 45 minutes a day on Saturday & Sunday, starting on Monday, January 2nd.
Still not very 'juicy' though?

So instead of New Year resolutions, why not try a New Year Ritual?
It's not easy to define what exactly a 'ritual' is or isn't. Ritual tends to include symbols and action rather than just words and there is a great deal of research on the role of ritual - not just in terms of its history and significance but also on the effect it has on the human brain (yet further Internet research came up with such wonderful things as a paper called "The Neurobiology of Myth & Ritual". I won't try to summarise it here but one of the reasons that ritual is powerful is that it communicates with the older, deeper parts of the brain that deal with emotions).
A very simple ritual that I have sometimes used on away-days with teams that have been through difficult times, and where there is a lot of residual pain or distress, is to ask each individual member to write down what it is they wish to leave behind. I then start a small fire in a suitable container (this was once a foil lined egg poacher but I now have a proper cauldron bought when I lived in Glastonbury!) and they stand around in a circle. Each person reads what they have written in the form of a statement such as "I intend to let go of …." or "I intend to leave behind ……" and then crumples up the paper and burns it.

There is often much self-conscious laughter and resistance when I first suggest this. Yet, those people that can move through that and engage with the ritual in a way that takes both it and themselves seriously, report that it was a powerful activity for them. Some researchers go so far as to suggest that a response to ritual is actually 'hard wired' into human beings.

What gives a ritual meaning and power is the intention with which you carry it out - not the 'trappings' such as fire or symbolic objects or words. But the 'trappings' serve as focus points for your attention and intentions.
I'm not going to suggest specific rituals for you. You all have the creativity and imagination to devise your own. Start by deciding what you want to leave behind or move away from and then what you want to bring in to your life or move towards. Then, using words, drawings, objects, photographs, pictures, movement, sound, music and anything else that is meaningful to you create your ritual. Decide also where you want to carry it out - indoors, outdoors, in the woods, on the beach, standing on a cliff, in a small peaceful corner of your house. Also, make sure that you have a way of keeping the purpose of your ritual 'alive' and in front of you for the rest of the year. (I realise that most of you won't get to read this until after New Year but it really doesn't matter if your ritual is a few days late).

Finally, I would like to encourage you to take advantage of my offer of a free sample coaching session as another way of turning your good intentions into reality. Even if you have no intention of having any further coaching sessions, having a session means that you are much clearer about what coaching is and isn't and about what it has to offer. This means that you then become 'living brochures' for me when talking to friends, colleagues etc who are interested in finding about more about coaching and might want to work with a coach. So it's a win-win situation. And there's no catch!
Wishing you a Happy and Fulfilling New Year. Top

Exploring the Edge - No. 10 : A Simple (?) Question

Update : Mindfulness Meditation

Many of you are in the south-west and may know of the Bristol Cancer Centre and Dr Rosie Daniels who used to be the Director. She now runs an organisation called Health Creation (www.healthcreation.co.uk) and in her 'Health Creation Programme' Manual she says "The single best thing you can do to revolutionise your health is to start meditating" - which is why I am so strongly recommending it to you. Because it's not just your physical health that will benefit - it's also your emotional and mental and 'spiritual' (I always have to put that in quotes because I'm not quite sure what it means!) health.

The Simple Question
Sending out these articles to hundreds of people means that I can't write about what you are interested in - because I don't know. So I write about what interests and 'speaks to' me - and hope that it has meaning for at least some of you sometimes.

I'd like to share a Mary Oliver poem which I came across in a book I'm reading.

Who made the world?
Who made the swan and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean - the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down -
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?"
Mary Oliver, "The Summer Day"

And now I have typed that I really don't feel anything I can say at this moment will add to it.

So, this month, all I am going to do is to leave you with that question.

What do you plan to do with your "one wild and precious life"? Top

Exploring the Edge - No. 11 & 12 : It Depends How You Look At It
(This originally went out as a Part 1 & Part 2 so I've combined them)

Contents
1. It All Depends How You Look At It.
2. A Confession and a Challenge
3. Spring Haiku - 2

1. It All Depends How You Look At It.
In Issue 10 I left you with the question at the end of a Mary Oliver poem :
What is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?

And I'm curious about what your response was to that question?
Do you see your life as 'wild and precious'?
(The full poem can be read at http://www.poemhunter.com/p/m/poem.asp?poet=6771&poem=73901 )

Seeing your life as 'wild and precious' is one possible perspective that you might hold about your life. Your reaction to those words may have made you aware that you hold a different, or additional, perspective.

Perspectives are all about the way we look at things/issues/situations, how we view them, the 'lens' we look through, our 'take' on them. The 7 step process outlined below is a tool to help people to explore different ways of looking at a particular issue. It's often used in situations where people's current perspective isn't working for them, isn't leading to useful action. For example, the perspective "I'm unhappy in my job but it's almost impossible for people my age to find a new job" isn't going to help someone to become one of the people who, in spite of their age, do find a better, more enjoyable job.

Perspectives are important because they influence so many things - your hopes and dreams and plans and expectations and decisions. These all have an impact on the choices you make and your behaviour. They often function as self-fulfilling prophecies.

Try this. Complete the following sentences (the 'issue' is in italics):
Being single is ……..
Christmas is a time when ……
Hot weather is ………

Each of the completed sentences represents a perspective that you hold. Many people receive this newsletter - many different perspectives will have been generated.

You can get stuck in a perspective - believing it to be the only or the true perspective. The reality is that there may well be some truth in many different perspectives on the same issue/situation - and sometimes there may be none
eg
Being single is lonely (some truth?)
Being single means I'm free to do what I like (some truth?)
Being single means that I'm unlovable (no truth at all in this one)
I'm doomed to be single all my life ('doomed'?)

Some perspectives may be Gremlin/Internal Saboteur perspectives.
The 'glass is half full' and the 'glass is half empty' are also examples of perspectives.
Perspectives are important because they tend to inform, perhaps even dictate, the decisions that you make and the actions that you take - especially if you are caught in just one perspective. For example, if you believe that "Being single is lonely" is the 'truth' - not just one of many possible perspectives, you may spend a lot of time and energy looking for a partner. Whereas, if you believe that "Being single means that I'm free to do as I like" (and by implication that being in a relationship means you are not free) is the 'true' perspective, you may be scared of entering into any committed relationship.

If, however, you are prepared to hold both perspectives as possibilities then you are immediately in a place of greater choice; a place where you can explore and experiment.

So - the benefit of playing with/exploring a range of perspectives on an issue/situation is that it can access your creativity in a way that frees up your thinking, generates new possibilities and, if you're stuck, help you to get unstuck.

The 7 Step Perspectives Process
Step 1. Identify the issue you want to explore.
Step 2. Identify, and name, your current perspective on this issue.
Step 3. Generate other perspectives.
Step 4. 'Inhabit' each perspective.
Step 5. Choose a perspective.
Step 6. Make a plan from this perspective.
Step 7. Commit to your plan - and TAKE ACTION.

Step 1. Identify the issue you want to explore. We're using the example here of a pretty large and important issue - your life.

Step 2. Identify, and name, your current perspective on this issue. Let's say that it's "My life's OK. There are some things I would have liked to have been different but it's too late now to make any major changes". We'll call this the 'Just OK' perspective.

Step 3. Generate other perspectives.
There are many ways to generate perspectives. I usually start by asking clients what perspectives they would like to explore. What they suggest will be a function of their individual circumstances. If they get stuck then we can select some random objects in the room eg the exercise bike perspective (hard work & boring), the calendar perspective (time is rushing by) etc. Or they may decide to work with a metaphor such as foods, garden plants, music, animals …..

Let's imagine that you'd chosen to use animals and had come up with those below.
The Elephant perspective : My life is really grey and heavy and I can't forget all the mistakes I've made.
The Dolphin perspective : My life's fun. It's true I have to jump through some hoops sometimes but I also get to play with whatever interesting things come along.
The Mouse perspective : My life isn't really very important. I'm just one small person and if I'm not careful something might come along and eat me or trample me.
The Eagle perspective : I was born to fly, to soar. My life is about being the most magnificent me I can be, about seeing the big picture rather than being bogged down in detail down there on the ground.
The Sheep perspective. I feel it's important to belong, to conform and not risk being too different. I like to feel I belong.

It really doesn't matter how you generate the perspectives - just that you end up with a range of different ones to explore.

Next write down the perspectives - each one on a separate piece of paper (including your current perspective and, if you like, the 'my life is wild and precious' perspective). 6 - 8 perspectives is a good number to work with.

Step 4. Inhabit each perspective.
Imagine (or even mark out) a big circle on the floor and divide it into sections - one for each perspective. At the centre is the issue - Your Life. Then place one piece of paper, with the perspective written on it, in each section.

Choose a perspective to stand in eg the Mouse. Close you eyes and experience how it would be if that were your perspective on your life. Speak from that perspective, expand on it. How do you feel? What's happening in your body? Do you feel alive, energised, empowered, positive, drained, anxious, bored, resigned, excited, …….?
You could try adopting the body language of a mouse. It might sound weird but it will make it easier to connect with the mouse perspective on your life. Body and mind are in constant and powerful communication.

Repeat with the other perspectives, moving to a different section of the circle each time. Maybe go back and revisit some of them. (It's really important to physically move when working with perspectives).

Step 5. Choose a perspective.
How? Choose whichever perspective led to you feeling most alive, energised, excited, interested etc.

Let's say it was Eagle. (You might at this stage also want to add some bits of other perspectives eg the Fun bit from Dolphin and the Belonging bit from Sheep).

Step 6. Make a plan from this perspective.
Ask yourself :
From this perspective (Eagle + Fun + Belonging) what next step do I want to take in my life?

This will be very individual to each of you. For me, at this point in my life, it could be :
"I'm going to spend less time sitting at my computer and just focusing on work. I want to get out there into my community and be part of what's going on, part of making a difference in ways other than by being a coach. I want to be involved with other people rather than always working at home on my own. And it has to be fun!"

Step 7. Commit to your plan - and TAKE ACTION.
Check that you really are committed to your plan. If not, you may need to go back and rethink it.

Then - turn it into ACTION.
My action ? "I'll book myself to attend the Scottish Women's Convention event - and if it feels good, I'll join and get involved with one of the Policy Groups".

2. A Confession and a Challenge
The confession is that when I was part way through writing about working with perspectives I wondered if I had been over ambitious in attempting it. It was designed promarily as a tool for coach and client to work with together and there is no doubt that it's much easier to use it that way.

On the other hand, it is such a powerful and useful tool that I wanted to share it with all of you.

So the challenge is - try it. Not necessarily on the issue of "My life" but on any issue where you feel you are stuck in a perspective that may not be the most useful one whether that's to do with work, relationships, leisure, health or anything else.

Work through the steps. And I'd love to hear the results. Even better - book a free sample session, bring your issue and we'll work through it together.

3. Spring Haiku - 2
Grasses are misty,
The waters silent -
A tranquil evening.
Yosa Buson (1716 - 1784) Top

Exploring the Edge - No. 13 : It's the Little Things that Count

I started thinking about this newsletter some weeks ago when, for various reasons, I was doing a lot of driving within about a 100 mile radius of my home. The Highlands of Scotland are beautiful at all times but when spring is turning into summer they are almost overwhelming. I have never seen so many primroses as this year and they seemed to go on forever, carpeting the floors of ancient woodlands and contrasting wonderfully with the dark purple violets at the roadside. And then the bluebells came along too. The green of the trees and the grass is so very green, interspersed with the dramatic vividness of copper beeches and the startlingly bright yellow swathes of gorse and broom. And all around the house lambs rush around in gaggles, leaping (and I don't believe it's just to do with trapped nerves - because often they all leap at the same time!).

These things give me huge joy and delight - and I started to think of some research I came across recently about what really makes people happy as opposed to what they think will make them happy.

The research suggests that we aren't very efficient at predicting how we will feel as a result of certain events - whether its an event that we expect to make us very happy, such as a long-desired promotion, or an event that we believe will make us very unhappy, such as the break-up of a relationship. It's not that these events won't make us happy or unhappy - but we overestimate the intensity of what we will feel and we underestimate how quickly we will adapt to the changed situation. Given that the researchers also claim that almost all our decisions about what actions to take are based on our predictions about how we will feel as a result, this has quite significant implications.

To me this research doesn't suggest that we shouldn't set ourselves 'big' goals - but rather that we be more realistic about the extent of the difference their achievement would make to our future happiness.

Although the whole article was interesting, the one thing that really struck me was a quote from one of the researchers who said : "I realised that the thing that makes the most difference to my general state of happiness is not the status and prestige of being a Harvard professor - but the fact that I can walk to work from my home". It highlighted for me a shift of focus from what else is needed to be happy (More money? Bigger house? Better holidays? Fame and Glory?!) to instead extracting the maximum happiness from what is already present in our life. Which is where the primroses and lambs etc came in.

This might sound as though I'm talking myself out of a job. Surely coaching is all about helping people to achieve 'big goals'? Sometimes yes. But sometimes clients leave coaching saying : "It's been very useful getting more clarity. I realise that I'm actually quite happy with my life as it is". Often all they needed was a shift in perspective. Or some fine tuning.

It's also not either/or. It's great to have dreams. But if we take on board that achieving them may not make such a huge difference to how we feel, we are perhaps more likely to look for the joy and pleasure in the present as well.

What are your equivalents of 'being able to walk to work'?

When a new client starts coaching, the first thing they do is a range of activities to get them reflecting and exploring. One of these is the Wheel of Life (see below). Clients are asked to mark on each sector of the wheel their present level of satisfaction - from 0 to 10. The question we usually then look at is : "What would need to change for you to be a 10?".

You may want to do this too but what I am suggesting for now is that you focus instead on what's already there rather than what is missing. For example, if you scored 6 on Career rather than asking yourself : "What needs to change for me to be a 10?" I'd like you to ask yourself : "What are the things about my career that I am happy and satisfied with that get me to a score of 6?".

Then, perhaps, instead of looking for the big changes that might get you to a 10, you might be able to find - or create - some additional 'little things that count'.

And now I've finished this I'm going to go and watch the pheasant under the bird table. Top

Exploring the Edge - No. 14 : Work/Life Balance

This article addresses work/life balance issues for both the employed and the self-employed.

Contents
1. Work/Life Balance - introduction
2. Symptoms
3. Suggestions
4. Creating the motivation to change
5. A Client's Work/Life Balance Story

1. Work/Life Balance - introduction
Since my last Exploring the Edge article, my partner and I have been on holiday in my camper van. Our southernmost stop was the WOMAD festival in Reading and I did wonder if any of 'my readers' were there too.

Another stop was to visit friends with an organic smallholding and B&B near Machynlleth in North Wales. They also have a camping field and there were a couple camping with their small children - but I never saw the mother (a lawyer I believe) without a 'phone to her ear. So I decided the next article would be on Work/Life Balance - but not in the sense of balancing the baby with one hand and the 'phone with the other!

The definition below is from The Work Foundation (formerly The Industrial Society). It can be applied equally well to an organisation with thousands of employees or an organisation of one. Self-employed people theoretically have much more control and choice - but it doesn't always feel that way in practice.

"Work-life balance is about people having a measure of control over when, where and how they work. It is achieved when an individual's right to a fulfilled life inside and outside paid work is accepted and respected as the norm, to the mutual benefit of the individual, the organisation and society."

So it's not just about working fewer hours and having more time for other things - although in Britain's 'long hours' culture that's obviously part of it. It's about people being happy and fulfilled in all areas of their life including work.

Some people work long hours because they have to - some because they want to - but the latter choice may nevertheless be having a negative impact on their relationships and their family, their health, or on their development as a 'rounded' human being.

2. What are the symptoms of a work/life imbalance?

Do you :

• Wonder who the small people are who seem to be living in the same house as you?
  (They do look vaguely familiar).
• Dream about how it will be when you retire in (10? 20? 30?) years time and can do
  the things you really want to do?
• Feel guilty if you take time out for yourself because there's always something else
  you should be doing (housework, DIY, the garden (if it's a chore rather than a
  pleasure), being a taxi service for the kids ……)
• Even if you love working long hours, have a partner, children, family, friends that
  are unhappy that they don't get to see you more?
• Have no topic of conversation, or interests, other than your work?
• Have stress-related health problems? (maybe you don't realise they are stress-
  related?)
• Regularly work evenings and weekends?

If you are employed do you :

• Feel that you have to be seen working longer hours than you are paid for, or else you
  won't be seen as sufficiently committed and so won't progress in your career?
• Frequently take work home with you?
• Find that by the time you get home you are too tired to do anything but slump?
• Have a job where you care about your clients but where you have too little time and
  too few resources and feel personally responsible for making things work - even
  when they are unworkable?

If you are self-employed do you :

• Always feel that no matter how much you do you should be doing more because no
  matter how well you are doing this month you may not have enough work/business
  next month (or the month after or ….)?
• Have a successful business built on working long hours and feel that if you don't
  carry on doing what you've always done you'll be less successful?
• Have a less successful business than you want and believe that the only route to
  success is to work even longer hours than you already are?

These are just some of the indications that your work and the rest of your life may not be in balance - and there are a great many things that you can do to improve the situation.

3. Suggestions

If you are employed by an organisation :
If you want to remain in your current job, there are a number of things you can do.

a) Organisations who know that improving their employees' work-life balance makes sense for everybody have implemented a whole range of options including :
Flexible working patterns eg flexitime, compressed working week ( 9 day fortnight),
part-time working, job sharing, annualised hours, teleworking or home working, term-time working
Leave options eg statutory minimum re holidays, maternal & parental leave, time off for dependents; paid paternity leave; career breaks for carers; study leave; leave in lieu of pay or other benefits

And some have been even more creative schemes. For instance, at Barclays Contact Centre in Cheshire they have a Concierge service. The offices are outside the town centre and staff tend to be rushing into town in their lunch hour. Now they have a concierge who makes a daily trip to do shopping, pick up dry cleaning, take shoes to the menders etc.

You can find out about the options offered by your organisation and work out what would work for you and why. Make a case that highlights the benefits to the organisation as well as to you. If there aren't any options, go to this link http://www.direct.gov.uk/Diol1/EmploymentDecisionTrees/DecisionTreeArticles/fs/en?CONTENT_ID=10028440&chk=NsuIFh to discover whether you have a legal right to ask for flexitime.

b) Make some radical decisions (maybe just one at a time), implement them and see
what happens - which may well be very different from what you anticipate
eg

• Believe that if you can't get through your work in your contracted hours it's
  because you are being given too much work - not because you are
  incompetent, not working hard enough etc
• Only work the hours you are paid to work ("Work expands to fit the time
  available").
• Never take work home
• Say "no" more often, even to your boss

If you're self-employed :
For many self-employed people the main issue is knowing when to stop. You don't have 'contracted hours'. You don't have job security.. You can't decide to take a 'duvet day' and still get paid. You don't get paid holidays. These factors can lead to your life being driven by fear - fear of failing, fear of not being able to pay the mortgage and support your family.

At the same time you may well love what you do. It's not just your work, it's your passion. It's you work, your hobby, your personal development. You may love the buzz and the adrenaline high. But if you are not at the same time looking after the other parts of your life there may be a price to pay in the future.

You are your most important resource. In many cases you are the business. Keeping going until you burn out and break down is not good asset management!

The big question is - How much is enough?
As a self-employed person it's usually pretty hopeless to 'wait' until you have done all you can/'should' and have some spare time for yourself. There is always something else you could be doing for the business.

Here are some tips.

• Most radical tip : Decide how many hours a week you want to work - and
  stick to it. Work expands to fit the time available. Don't work longer - work
  smarter.
• Don't wait until you have time for other, 'less important', area of your life. Decide what you want to make time for and block the time out in your diary. They are appointments with yourself, or your partner or children, and you treat them as though they were appointments with your most important prospective client ie you keep them.
• Decide on a way of signalling to yourself that it's time to 'switch off' and stop
  work. This is especially important if you work from home. It might just be
  switching off the computer or changing your clothes.
• Let an answer 'phone take messages out of work hours. You still have choice
  about when you return the call, but it doesn't crash right into the middle of
  meal times or time with your family or friends.

Employed or self-employed :
What I haven't addressed in this article are all the conventional time management and workload management techniques and approaches. They certainly have a role to play - but they won't make a huge difference unless your mindset also changes.

4. Creating the Motivation to Change
Being unhappy with the situation as it is can be a powerful motivation to create some changes.

An even more powerful motivation is to have a vision of how you would like things to be if you do change them. Being pulled forward by what you want is more motivating than just trying to escape from what you have.

If you were spending less time working - what would you like to be spending that time doing instead?

Activity

Start by drawing a circle. The area of the circle represents your total waking hours per week. Then turn your circle into a Pie Chart. The example below is a very rough one for me. I've included time with my partner and my interests such as reading in Leisure but you can split it up any way you like.

Then do a second Pie Chart that represents how you'd like it to be in order to feel that you had a better balance between work and other areas of your life. (Mine would be the same - except I'd like Household Chores to be 0%!). The secret here is to be both realistic (ie don't do it on the basis of winning the lottery and never having to work again) and, at the same time, to assume that you can make significant changes even if you aren't yet sure exactly how.

Is there some area of your life you would like to have more time for?
Do you know what you would be using that time for if you had it?

If the answer is yes - start now.
Programme in some time every week for that activity (or non-activity).
Trust that the work will still get done.

5) A Client's Work/Life Balance Story
James is a successful chartered surveyor, running his own one-man business. He built his business up by working very long hours and by being constantly available to clients and potential clients, even in the evenings and at weekends. He always had his mobile with him.

At the time he started working with me he was putting in a 14 hour day and worked every week-end . He was upset if he wasn't at his desk before 7.00am and felt that he had "skived" if he went home before 9:00pm. He felt permanently tired, had no time for social friends, had lost any sense of joie de vivre and felt guilty if he tried to take time away from the business for fun or family or anything else.

He feared that if he didn't carry on doing everything the way he had always done it he'd get fewer clients, have unhappier clients and make less money. For James, giving excellent service and really caring about his clients are core values - and he found it hard to believe that he could work less hours, have more fun and still achieve his business objectives.
James now normally works only a 8am -5pm day and no weekends. His business is doing as well as ever.
James is a wonderful example of how easy it is to get stuck into a rigid and limiting perspective ("If I don't carry on working as I always have I will become less successful"). However, he had the courage to challenge himself, explore new approaches, think about what was really important to him in his life - in addition to his work - and try new things. And he's reaping the benefits in all areas of his life.
Are you open to the possibility that there could be a better way? Top

Exploring the Edge No. 15 : "You Got to Have a Dream"

"You got to have a dream, if you don't have a dream
How you gonna have a dream come true?"
From South Pacific by Rodgers and Hammerstein

An on-going conversation between coaches is how to answer the question "So what exactly is coaching?" My latest definition is that it's a 'Process for Turning Intentions and Dreams into Results'.

The 'power of intention' is very fashionable at the moment. For example, in a recent book of that name by Wayne Dwyer he talks, according to the Amazon review, about "tapping into a universal source of energy that can also be called the "power of intention."" And about "co-creating with source". This is the metaphysical approach and, not being a metaphysicist, I will leave it to others more experienced in this field to present that view. (Metaphysics could be defined as 'beyond physics').

However, whatever the reason, the more people I coach, the more frequently I notice that there is indeed something very powerful about a clear intention. Maybe there is some 'universal field' that powerful intentions work with - or maybe it's just about how they impact our own mind, both at the conscious and the unconscious level, and thereby our behaviour. And when we change our behaviour we get different results.

The first step in turning an Intention into a Result is to have a really clear picture of what the result will look like. What do you really want. Is this an easy question to answer? Years ago I was working with a group of people who had been made redundant and part of the course was 1-1 interviews with me. Word got back to me that some people had come out saying that I had given them 'a hard time'. This concerned me so I checked what it was that I'd done that was so challenging.

I'd asked them what they wanted!! Why might this be a scary or challenging question?

• You might not get it and have to deal with the disappointment.
• You might have a belief that thinking about what you want (with the emphasis on 'you') is selfish.
• You might feel that if you are 'greedy' ie not satisfied with what you already have (assuming it's 'good enough') you will be punished (by ????). This may sound irrational and superstitious - but it's not uncommon even if not consciously recognised. In fact I still occasionally notice this one popping up myself. (You don't have to 'get rid of' such beliefs - just don't let them make your decisions for you).

So instead of deciding what you really want (your 'dream') you start to compromise. You're at point A. You really want to get to Z. You can't imagine how to get to Z from A so you settle for, say, M. One of the most common reasons people abandon a dream 'at birth' is that they can't see how to achieve it - and assume that that means that they can't achieve it. Which it doesn't. It just means that - from point A - you can't see all the steps that will get you to Z.

However, if you allow yourself to specify Z as your end point, you might be able to
see a step you could take that's in the right general direction. You take it - now you're
at B. And from B you can see C - which you couldn't see from A.

Summarising this.
Create the picture, the vision, of the dream.
Start taking steps towards achieving it - even if you don't believe they will ever get you there.

There's a famous quote, attributed to Goethe, that I kept pinned up over my desk after I decided to leave my career in IT, sell my house, and go (with my 9 year old daughter) to Australia to participate in a 6 month training programme called Being of Service - to learn skills for working with people to increase their personal empowerment.

Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now.

Commit yourself to your dream.
And commit yourself to starting to take actions that will move you towards it.

Here's an example that illustrates both the importance of allowing yourself to have a dream and the importance of taking steps towards making it happen.
When my daughter was about 14 she attended a presentation at Bristol Zoo and decided that she would like to be a marine biologist. In particular, she wanted to work with whales and dolphins but said "But I know that's what everybody wants to do so I know its not realistic". My reply (and I wasn't even a coach then!) was "Some people do work with whales and dolphins - decide to be one of those people". (Her school had also told her that she was "no good at science").

Sixteen years, one BSc, one MSc and one PhD later, she is Project Officer for the Dolphin Space Programme. Her next dream is to have her own ecotourism, education and research business on an island off the coast of Africa. She investigated property prices - and was disheartened to discover she would need a 30% deposit which she felt would take years to save. So I suggested she opened a bank account and set up a SO for whatever she could afford every month which she did immediately. Step A to step B. I was impressed that she did this and so also set up a monthly SO. Step B to step C. It's still not possible to see how she'll get to Z. But we are both sure that she will.

If you were a possible investor or business partner which statement would most inspire and engage you?
"I'd like to buy a property in …. from which to run a ecotourism, education and research business but I've looked into property prices and I don't see how I'll ever be
able to afford a deposit"
or
"I have a dream I'm really passionate about which is to run an ecotourism, education and research project in …. And I've already opened a bank account and started transferring money into it every month".
By taking these first steps she is not only signalling to other people that she is serious and committed - she is signalling it to herself.

But coming back to defining the Goal/Dream.
Many of you will be familiar with setting SMART Goals :

• Specific
• Measurable
• Achievable
• Relevant
• Time-related

For example, a woolly goal would be
"I intend to give up my job and start my own business"
The SMART version would be
"By January 1st, 2009, I will have given in my notice and be running my own business as a …….. . My monthly turnover will be …….".

Well, its true that the SMART version is more likely to get you into action, and get you there, than the woolly version. But by only setting a goal this way you're only working with part of your mind-brain. The conscious part. The logical, verbal part.

Goals/dreams become much more vivid and motivational and exciting if you do actually 'picture' them. One way to do this would be to create a scrapbook/folder/box of some sort. Let's say your dream is to move to Scotland and run an adventure holidays business.

In your scrapbook could go :

• Estate agent details of the sorts of properties you'd like to buy
• Photographs of the area you'd like to live in
• Catalogues from companies who provide the sort of equipment you'll need
• Contact details of people who say they would be interested in that type of holiday
• Pages printed off the web of holidays run by existing companies who have ideas that
  inspire you
• A week's imaginary diary entries for when your business is up and running,
  describing how you are spending your days, how you are feeling
  

What people often say is "But there's no point doing that now. It's all too far away. First I have to figure out how to raise the money.".
Wrong!

First you have to put 'flesh' on the dream, get excited about it, get other people excited about it - and maybe then the 'universe' will decide to 'co-create' with you.

Be a 'scientific metaphysicist'. Take the experimental approach.
Try it and see if it works!

This will be the last Exploring the Edge until after the New Year - so rather than setting New Year resolutions why not create some new life dreams instead? Top

Exploring the Edge No. 16 : Divers and Dabblers

According to the Encyclopaedia Britannica Online:

Diving Ducks obtains their food by diving to the bottom in deep water rather than by dabbling in shallows
whereas

Dabbling Ducks (which are strongly migratory) obtain their food by tipping-up in shallows and only infrequently by diving. They are also swift fliers.

Which are you?

Do you 'dive deep' into a few specific areas such as playing a musical instrument well, practicing for hours a week, or being a specialist on agricultural implements in medieval Europe?

Or do you 'fly swiftly' between Japanese history, Zen aesthetics, geopoetics, bird watching, nutrition, playing the keyboard, neuoroplasticity, Buddhist psychology, taiko drumming and …. and …. and …

My name is Lynda and I am a Dabbler.

However, though it took quite a long time, I've given up wanting to be 'cured'.

The list above is mine - and I could add more to it (which is why every few months I have to make another trip to Ikea to buy more bookcases). For much of my life I felt quite bad about being a dabbler (while also at the same time having a great deal of fun). But I've got through that stage. Now I'm proud to say that not only am I a Dabbler - I'm a specialist dabbler. I'm an expert dabbler. Maybe even Queen of the Dabblers (though some of you might want to challenge me for that title?).

We live in a society which, on the whole, values Diving over Dabbling. Specialists are respected for their depth of knowledge, for their commitment and ability to 'stick to' something. Knowing a lot about something or being very good at something is seen as intrinsically worthwhile. Many, maybe most, divers are happy to be divers.

So I'm going to focus on Dabblers. What does 'society' have to say about dabblers? No stickability? Need to make up their minds what they want and get down to it? Shallow? Butterflies (in a negative sense)? (Whatever happened to the idea of the Renaissance man - or woman). Even more importantly, what do dabblers say about themselves? Often, all of the above. Many dabblers believe that they should be divers.

If you're a Dabbler, are you happy to be so or do you have "I should be a Diver" hanging around your neck like the albatross in the Ancient Mariner?

In Barbara Sher's book "I Could Do Anything If Only I Knew What It Was", she has a chapter on what she calls Divers and Scanners (Dabblers). She says this about Scanners :
"If you're a scanner you have extraordinarily special and valuable skills. You love what is new and you don't suffer from fear and indecisiveness. You're a lightning-fast learner, curious about anything you don't already understand".

There are jobs that Dabblers are really well equipped to do, for example - teachers/trainers, librarians, documentary filmmakers, explorers (both outer and inner space) - and of course, coaching. In fact, anything with lots of variety where you can bring in your wide range of knowledge and interests - and never have to be bored.

So if, at heart, you know that you do really enjoy being a Dabbler I'd like you to give yourself permission to just revel in it in your out-of-work life - and, if you're not feeling fulfilled and excited in your work - ask yourself whether that's because you're a Dabbler trying to do a Diver's job.

Finally, if there are any Divers out there who would like to be Dabblers, or vice-versa, Barbara Sher's book offers advice on how to achieve it. Top

Exploring the Edge No. 17 : 'Til Death Do Us Part?

It's just over two months since the last Exploring the Edge but I do have a good reason - I've been working hard on my website (I'm hoping to launch it with most of the content in place within the next month).

Part of the site outlines eleven different areas of their lives that my clients have addressed in their coaching sessions :

• Personal Development
• Business Development
• Professional Development
• Career Development
• Creativity
• Relationships
• Spirituality
• Sexual Identity
• Stress Management
• Change Management
• Health & Well-Being

And I realised with surprise that, although Relationships are such an important area of most people's lives, I have written nothing about them in these articles.

I'm going to start in this issue by talking about 'the' relationship. The one you have with your partner/husband/wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/'significant other'.

And, as I'm still working very hard on my website, I'm going to pass on someone else's 'words of wisdom' this month rather than creating my own.

One of the most interesting resources I've come across in this areas is a book called "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John Gottman & Nan Silver. I would have preferred them to use the word 'relationships' rather than 'marriage' because the principles work for all 1-1 relationships, including same-sex partnerships.

The book is based on over 30 years of research and the authors claim that by watching and listening to a couple for only five minutes they can predict, with 91% accuracy, whether the relationship will end in 'divorce'. Whether you believe that or not, the results of their research are interesting.

These are the signs they look for :

Sign 1 : Harsh Start-up ie straight into criticism and/or sarcasm

Sign 2 : 'The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse'
1) Criticism.
The type that focuses on who the person is rather than a complaint about a specific behaviour eg "You didn't clear up the kitchen last night (complain about specific behaviour) rather than "You say you'll do something and then you never do" (criticism about who the person is).

2) Contempt.
Sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, put-downs and hostile humour. (An interesting aside. Evidently couples who are contemptuous of each other are more likely to suffer from infectious illnesses than other people).

3) Defensiveness.
Often another form of blame - and tends to escalate the conflict.

4) Stonewalling.
Tuning out, refusing to engage. This usually happens as a result of the previous three when people become overwhelmed and so close down.

Sign 3 : Flooding. Feeling overwhelmed by your partner's negativity and so disengaging emotionally - leads to stonewalling.

Sign 4 : Stress Indicators. Flooding triggers the stress (fight or flight) response which makes it difficult for people to engage with each other in a productive way.

Sign 5 : Failed Repair Attempts ie one partner attempts to de-escalate the tension with a remark, a gesture, a facial expression - and the other 'rejects' or ignores it.

Sign 6 : Bad Memories ie rewriting the past - for the worst.

If these are the signs that a relationship, if it carries on as it is, is doomed to failure, what makes a successful relationship?

Firstly, some 'myths' about successful relationships :
Myth 1. Loud arguments harm the relationship. Not necessarily.
Myth 2. Successful conflict resolution skills are necessary for success. Not necessarily.
Myth 3. Neuroses or personality problems ruin a relationship. (Fantastic news! I once
had a friend who was attending Co-Dependents Anonymous and didn't believe she could have a relationship until she was 'cured')
Myth 4. Common interests keep you together (depends upon how you interact with each other while engaged in them)
Myth 5. Avoiding conflict will ruin your relationship (works for some, not for others; the important thing is that - avoidance or non-avoidance - it works for both)

If these are the 'myths' - what are the 'facts'? What really makes the difference?
According to Gottman & Silver, there are Seven Principles which, if followed, make the difference.

The Seven Principles
1. Enhance Your 'Love Maps' ie really know your partner; what is important to them, their hopes, fears and dreams; their likes and dislikes; their favourite foods etc.
2. Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration ie believe your partner to be worthy of honour and respect.
3. Turn Toward Each other Instead of Away ie stay engaged, in little ways. Reply to a 'trivial' observation rather than just carrying on reading your book with a disinterested grunt.
4. Let Your Partner Influence You
5. Solve Your Soluble Problems. Resolve conflict by :

• Having a 'soft start-up'
• Making, and responding to, 'repair attempts'
• Staying calm and helping your partner to do so
• Compromising
• Being tolerant of each other's faults

6. Overcome Gridlock - the unsolvable problems (you want children, your partner doesn't; you want to get married, your partner doesn't believe in it). Move to dialogue so that, even if the issue never goes away and the problem never gets solved, you can talk about it without hurting each other
7. Create Shared Meaning ie understand and honour each others deepest convictions - and look for the common ground.

You may or may not agree with everything in this particular model but if your relationship seems to be struggling, a little or a lot, give yourself a relationship 'MOT'. Start with yourself rather than your partner. Do you recognise any of the 'signs'? How could you approach things differently? Can you and your partner use this article as the basis for a useful discussion?

You and your partner can also work on your relationship with a coach. All you need is a 'phone and an extension, or two separate lines. The free sample session applies to relationship coaching as well as 1-1 coaching. Top

Exploring the Edge - No. 18 : Putting Things Off

In my previous email, I announced that "the Coaching on the Edge website is now live". I was tempted to say "at last" but decided to save that comment for the next article - this one.

The site was designed for me by someone who did everything other than putting the text onto the pages. It reached that stage at the end of January 2006. Which means it took me 15 months to write and add the text, find a host server, upload the site, check it all out etc.

There were a number of reasons - mainly based on various fears. From the fear that when I tried to upload pages to the Internet I wouldn't be able to, to the fear of 'getting it wrong' by creating a site that, rather than encouraging people to contact me, might put them off. Yes, coaches have Gremlins too. In fact, now the site is live I'm aware that I still feel quite vulnerable to have put so much of what I think and value, so much of me, 'out there'.

But coaching does encourage us, when its important, to 'feel the fear and do it anyway', so those weren't the only reasons I didn't get on with it.

A major reason was that, partly because of my fears, it felt like a big job - something that required time and concentration. It was important but it wasn't urgent and those are the things that often don't get done.

The basis of effective Time Management is Planning and Scheduling. Without it you have little control over your time. It's not enough to have an ever expanding To Do list. You also need to prioritise and schedule your work.

This system works well.
To each item on your To Do list, allocate one of the following four codes :
A1 is URGENT and IMPORTANT
A2 is URGENT but LESS IMPORTANT
B1 is LESS URGENT but IMPORTANT
B2 is NEITHER URGENT NOR IMPORTANT

Then the sensible thing to do would be to prioritise scheduling the A1 (urgent & important) items.
However, many years ago, I was working on a proposal for consultancy work which had to catch the last post. Yet I found myself checking train times between London and Wales to see how easy it would be for my daughter to visit her father if we moved to Wales (a vague thought at the time). This was definitely a B2 (not urgent & not important) activity and typical avoidance behaviour. Which is why time management is not just about having good systems and tools. It's often more about the reasons we don't use them - which brings us back to Gremlins.

But for this article I want to stay with tools that do help if we use them.

Having scheduled your A1 (urgent & important) items, what would be your next priorities? Most people go to the A2s (urgent but not important). In other words, they are driven by Urgency rather then Importance. There are a number of reasons for this. It's often easier to be 'reactive' than 'proactive' and when we are responding to what is Urgent we are often being reactive. We don't have to think too much - we just have to 'do it now'. Another reason is that, whether you are working in a hierarchical organisation or self-employed with clients/customers, you are often responding to other people's urgency.