Newsletter No. 17 : ‘Til Death Us Do Part

I recently realised with surprise that, although Relationships are such an important area of most people’s lives, I have written nothing about them in these articles.
I’m going to start in this issue by talking about ‘the’ relationship. The one you have with your partner/husband/wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/‘significant other’.

And, as I am working very hard on my website, I’m going to pass on someone else’s ‘words of wisdom’ this month rather than creating my own.

I recently came across a book called "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by John Gottman & Nan Silver. I would have preferred them to use the word ‘relationship’ rather than ‘marriage’ because the principles work for all 1-1 relationships, including same-sex partnerships. The book is based on over 30 years of research and the authors claim that by watching and listening to a couple for only five minutes they can predict, with 91% accuracy, whether the relationship will end in ‘divorce’. Whether you believe that or not, the results of their research are interesting.

These are the signs they look for :

Sign 1 : Harsh Start-up ie straight into criticism and/or sarcasm

Sign 2 : ‘The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

• 1) Criticism. The type that focuses on who the person is (eg “You say you’ll do something and then you never do” rather than a complaint about a specific behaviour (eg “You didn’t clear up the kitchen last night "
• 2) Contempt. Sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, put-downs and hostile humour. (An interesting aside. Evidently couples who are contemptuous of each other are more likely to suffer from infectious illnesses than other people).
• 3) Defensiveness. Often another form of blame – and tends to escalate the conflict
• 4) Stonewalling. Tuning out, refusing to engage. This usually happens as a result of the previous three when people become overwhelmed and so close down.

Sign 3 : Flooding. Feeling overwhelmed by your partner’s negativity and so disengaging emotionally – leads to stonewalling

Sign 4 : Stress Indicators. Flooding triggers the stress (fight or flight) response which makes it difficult for people to engage with each other in a productive way

Sign 5 : Failed Repair Attempts ie one partner attempts to de-escalate the tension with a remark, a gesture, a facial expression – and the other ‘rejects’ or ignores it

Sign 6 : Bad Memories ie rewriting the past – for the worst

If these are the signs that a relationship, if it carries on as it is, is doomed to failure, what makes a successful relationship.

Firstly, Gottman & Silver list some ‘myths’ about successful relationships

Myth 1. Loud arguments harm the relationship. Not necessarily. 

Myth 2. Successful conflict resolution skills are necessary for success. Not necessarily

Myth 3. Neuroses or personality problems ruin a relationship. (Fantastic news! I once had a friend who was attending Co-Dependents Anonymous and didn’t believe she could have a relationship until she was ‘cured'

Myth 4. Common interests keep you together (depends upon how you interact with each other while engaged in them

Myth 5. Avoiding conflict will ruin your relationship (works for some, not for others; the important thing is that – whether you avoid or don't avoid – that it works for you).

If these are the ‘myths’ – what are the ‘facts’? What really makes the difference. According to Gottman & Silver, there are Seven Principles which, if followed, make the difference.

The Seven Principles

1. Enhance Your ‘Love Maps’ ie really know your partner; what is important to them, their hopes, fears and dreams; their likes and dislikes; their favourite foods etc
2. Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration ie believe your partner to be worthy of honour and respect
3. Turn Toward Each other Instead of Away ie stay engaged, in little ways. Reply to a ‘trivial’ observation rather than just carrying on reading your book with a disinterested grunt
4. Let Your Partner Influence You
5. Solve Your Soluble Problems. Resolve conflict by : 
   - Having a ‘soft start-up
   - Making, and responding to, ‘repair attempts'
   - Staying calm and helping your partner to do so
   - Compromising.
   - Being tolerant of each other’s faults
6. Overcome Gridlock – the unsolvable problems (you want children, your partner doesn’t; you want to get married, your partner doesn’t believe in it). Move to dialogue so that, even if the issue never goes away and the problem never gets solved, you can talk about it without hurting each other
7. Create Shared Meaning ie understand and honour each others deepest convictions – and look for the common ground.

You may or may not agree with everything in this particular model but if your relationship seems to be struggling, a little or a lot, give yourself a relationship ‘MOT’. Start with yourself rather than your partner. Do you recognise any of the ‘signs’? How could you approach things differently? Can you and your partner use this article as the basis for a useful discussion?

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